2 weeks ago i have sex for the 1rst time in my life w andy and was his first time too.before we start the bf relationship we make the deal that if i wasnt able to make it our friendship wont ever change and he agreed.i wasnt able to go from friend love to bf love coz after we finish making love i start to cry like an stupid and he hugged me so tender and told me that he understand and we will be friends.ive been crush inside since but feeling better now. he apologizes coz he told me that he push the sex issue to muxh which idc at all coz i love him to death, he is the best friend i ever had.
ive been in US like 4 7moth and is the 4 time my anti depression med have been change and i feel like an alien, robot,like im not even human. my mind is all claudly and foggy. i wish so much 2b sleeping 4 a month and wake up when the med is wroking coz takes from 3 2 6 weeks to kick in. i have to stop school again for couple of weeks and the only thing i do is leave my bed 2 seat in front of my pc, watch music vids and twitt. i have meet si nice ppl in twitter but so incomprehensible and nasty ones too. my last post wasnt bout riley at all, was bout few other ones. i love riley who ever he is regardles watever and paray 4him, his mum, little bro and the twins cousins. i dont hate him, i just have enough of him getting off on me every time he gets high in the drugs he uses, which makes me sad and angry coz im afraid he will overdose one day and will die. he promise me few times he will stop, but u have to be in his shoes to know what he have been through in life 2 understand his pain, i do and i dont judge him. i love him just the way he is, even i have to unfollow him and block him in twitter coz ive been telling him the he have to stop pushing me away from him. i just want him so much to b happy and he always will have a place in my heart.
then even i decide not to have a bf online i did. with the most beautiful, tender, loving care, mature, understanding boy. i have to tell him too i cant keep going and were friends, is that he lives so far and is not allow to use the phone, and cant talk, i cant make it like that but i<3u with my life, u know who u r. then i learn bout another boy that was my first crush on twitter., but coz i was w another person he never told me nothing either me. he have issues and cant for personal reasons to be online as often, but he too lives so far and how u will be able to have a bf relationship w someone that u r just able to talk w him like every 2 or 3 days w out heard from that person, is crazy coz i love him, even he told me he will try and all that, it wasnt that i didnt belive him, is that he tried with another boy and tbh i didnt know wat happened but he werent able 2b on line and i guess they have to stop. i should talked 2him more clear tho. i really will have to live w this 4 the rest of my life coz honest to God i didnt ment to hurt him in any way, i just thought that even w all the good intentions or desires he would have, his issues wouldnt allow him to be there for me, not that i thought he didnt mean wat he told me or i thought he was lieing, but i guess his situation is one of those in life in which u doesnt have control, even if u want to. so, i hurt him wout intention and he went off on me telling me that im like every 1 else, that im a firlttler and lots of other things. im just so sad coz this. i just so hope for him 2b fine. gosh i have cried so much for this thing. another fucking hard lesson life throw at me. idk how much my heart will take w all this frustrating attemps 2have someone in my life then life is so ironic coz the one i thought was perfect coz lives so close to me, which is andy, i can just love him as a friend, i cant have sex w him, i felt dirty and shame, is life i guess.
then i have 2 other boys i love but theyre not online often and even we have talk and all that, they desspeared for weeks and is not possible. is messy to have an online bf.
then i meet the most beautiful boy ever, he is tender, honest, loving care, he cares, and yeah, he is beautiful out side, but is his so beautiful tender heart what got me, he is beautiful inside out and his name is Ryan. then another thing is that he lives like and hour 45 mins from tampa, in orlando and were just taking things slow but will be possible in a future that our parents will talk, we will talk on the phone and we will be able to be together during weekends and that is so kewl coz is some body i will be able to hug, touch, hold and were pretty happy. ill talk bout him more in my next post and maybe will post a pic of him and one of his songs coz he have a beautiful voice. life is ironic coz i thought i found the perfect person in andy and wat better than to have a bf who lives 1/2 mile from ur home, but is how it is, were friends tho and that is really priceless coz i love andy. he is my best friend.
will b all for now. i so hope and wish ryan and me can be happy together.
later all.