HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT!!

 

hes my twitter friend Matt and turned 16 today. i pray to God to cover u with His grace and mercy always and u achieve all ur dreams. wish u a nice day today. love u bunch sweet friend.

my love life is a mess. im single again. ryan seems to run away. he told me that i was just playing mind games w him, then call me a fake in twitter, but when i asked him for his mum to do webam w my parents, or a # 4 texted him, or to call him on the phone, then all that wasnt possible. how does he expect me to go on w him? then when i told him all this in twitter he get piss at me and call me fake a creep and unfollow me. just like the others when i asked them to tell their parents to do webcam w mine. if there is nothing to hide and u have good intentions, i dont see a problem, coz my parents have told me that they have no problem in doing webcam w the parents of ANY kid i want to b friends online. i got all the msn chat logs i do w every one saved in my pc & i can post them at any time to prove wat i say. i was having so much hope w ryan, sooo much. goshh. ughhhhh :\ the most of all is that he told me he lives in orlando, fl. and i was soo happy & excited coz is close to tampa, fl. things not always r as we want them 2b i guess. :\  and now im just praying that someone else give the another chance again. goshh i swear 2 god i didnt meant 2hurt him in any way, but if u r not able 2talk w that someone, it will never b ans understanding. i so wish ppl is like me & is able just 2 try to resolve things talking, but how some times if always is a barrier bout comunication & never theyre able to talk on the phone or cam? i just have meet 1, 1 kid that have been able 2 do it & is one of my best friends online. is ridiculous w so many kids in twitter, that just 1 have been able to do cam w my parents. the rest is just talking, fakeness & thats all. :\
im hopping so much i can make meet someone i can have a relationship with, even if its online, but that is able to meet my parents requirements. is been so hard til now.
is all for now.

2 weeks ago i have sex for the 1rst time in my life w andy and was his first time too.before we start the bf relationship we make the deal that if i wasnt able to make it our friendship wont ever change and he agreed.i wasnt able to go from friend love to bf love coz after we finish making love i start to cry like an stupid and he hugged me so tender and told me that he understand and we will be friends.ive been crush inside since but feeling better now. he apologizes coz he told me that he push the sex issue to muxh which idc at all coz i love him to death, he is the best friend i ever had.
ive been in US like 4 7moth and is the 4 time my anti depression med have been change and i feel like an alien, robot,like im not even human. my mind is all claudly and foggy. i wish so much 2b sleeping 4 a month and wake up when the med is wroking coz takes from 3 2 6 weeks to kick in. i have to stop school again for couple of weeks and the only thing i do is leave my bed 2 seat in front of my pc, watch music vids and twitt. i have meet si nice ppl in twitter but so incomprehensible and nasty ones too. my last post wasnt bout riley at all, was bout few other ones. i love riley who ever he is regardles watever and paray 4him, his mum, little bro and the twins cousins. i dont hate him, i just have enough of him getting off on me every time he gets high in the drugs he uses, which makes me sad and angry coz im afraid he will overdose one day and will die. he promise me few times he will stop, but u have to be in his shoes to know what he have been through in life 2 understand his pain, i do and i dont judge him. i love him just the way he is, even i have to unfollow him and block him in twitter coz ive been telling him the he have to stop pushing me away from him. i just want him so much to b happy and he always will have a place in my heart.
then even i decide not to have a bf online i did. with the most beautiful, tender, loving care, mature, understanding boy. i have to tell him too i cant keep going and were friends, is that he lives so far and is not allow to use the phone, and cant talk, i cant make it like that but i<3u with my life, u know who u r. then i learn bout another boy that was my first crush on twitter., but coz i was w another person he never told me nothing either me. he have issues and cant for personal reasons to be online as often, but he too lives so far and how u will be able to have a bf relationship w someone that u r just able to talk w him like every 2 or 3 days w out heard from that person, is crazy coz i love him, even he told me he will try and all that, it wasnt that i didnt belive him, is that he tried with another boy and tbh i didnt know wat happened but he werent able 2b on line and i guess they have to stop. i should talked 2him more clear tho. i really will have to live w this 4 the rest of my life coz honest to God i didnt ment to hurt him in any way, i just thought that even w all the good intentions or desires he would have, his issues wouldnt allow him to be there for me, not that i thought he didnt mean wat he told me or i thought he was lieing, but i guess his situation is one of those in life in which u doesnt have control, even if u want to. so, i hurt him wout intention and he went off on me telling me that im like every 1 else, that im a firlttler and lots of other things. im just so sad coz this. i just so hope for him 2b fine. gosh i have cried so much for this thing. another fucking hard lesson life throw at me. idk how much my heart will take w all this frustrating attemps 2have someone in my life then life is so ironic coz the one i thought was perfect coz lives so close to me, which is andy, i can just love him as a friend, i cant have sex w him, i felt dirty and shame, is life i guess.
then i have 2 other boys i love but theyre not online often and even we have talk and all that, they desspeared for weeks and is not possible. is messy to have an online bf.
then i meet the most beautiful boy ever, he is tender, honest, loving care, he cares, and yeah, he is beautiful out side, but is his so beautiful tender heart what got me, he is beautiful inside out and his name is Ryan. then another thing is that he lives like and hour 45 mins from tampa, in orlando and were just taking things slow but will be possible in a future that our parents will talk, we will talk on the phone and we will be able to be together during weekends and that is so kewl coz is some body i will be able to hug, touch, hold and were pretty happy. ill talk bout him more in my next post and maybe will post a pic of him and one of his songs coz he have a beautiful voice. life is ironic coz i thought i found the perfect person in andy and wat better than to have a bf who lives 1/2 mile from ur home, but is how it is, were friends tho and that is really priceless coz i love andy. he is my best friend.
will b all for now. i so hope and wish ryan and me can be happy together.
later all.

i dont understand some ppl. u said u love me. u said u wana b my bf. u wana do webcam w me, then, i open the door of my home 2u. i want u 2

 meet my parents, my family. i want ur parents to meet mine coz were minors, arent we? but u dont wana follow ANY of the normal&rit ways 2

 make it happend, wat better proff i can offer ANY ONE 2 believe that i am who i say i am? but then, u wana use my bedroom window 2 talk 2me

 without me EVER seeing ur face or my parents knowing who u or ur parents r. how u expect me 2 trust u or believe u if u run away every time

i wana take u 2 the point 2 prove me that u r who u say u r & confront u w reality& 4u 2 show me&my parents ur good intentions?? shame on u

 & in ALL THE ONES LIKE U. u wana do webcam w me? get ur parents ready 2 meet mine through it & ill b able to do it. u cant coz lots of

 excuses?? then 4me is the BIGGEST BULL SHIT EVER. u&the ones like u, better leave me THE FUCK ALONE!! i hope ive been enough clear. thnxs.


this is few twitts i tewtted earlier today coz the ones call "kids" in twitter. hope is enough clear. doesnt require 4u 2b a NASA scientific 2 understand, i think. thnxs.

i cant hate, is not me. i decide to better love riley whaever he is, i dont care no more if he is 5yo or 99. i decide to love his beautiful human heart coz he got a beautiful one regardless whatever happened. ill b his friend 4 ever.






but then YOU came to my life:

ur my light.
my tears
my laugh
my kisses, my hugs, my tenderness, loving care, kindness, honest, loyal, truthful, so sweet, one face, my heart, my soul, the hands that caress me, the shoulder i cry on, the human i hug and start to shake coz u mean the world to me, im in love and all silly, the one that just come and even i doesnt say a word in the whole day you just stay w me, hug me, lay down by my site, rest ur head on my shoulder, u caress me just with ur eyes and they tell me how much you love me. 

idk how to describe how much i love you coz idk the words, i dont even think they exist, but my essence as a human, every molecule, atom, all that we r that cant see and called heart and soul, all me loves you as i ever have love no one.

i thank God every minute i am alive for allow u in my life.

i love you Andy.

thanks to all who pray for me.
im sry i scare my family and friends but i just took 3 valiums from my grandpa with wine and pass out bad.
andy was pretty scare as my parents and friends but i just wana like pass out sleep quick to scape and just sleep and forget bout everything.
they took my to ICU but i wasn`t in a coma, thanks god coz i wasnt typing then. i was in ICU just for couple of hours.
i feel everything but proud or happy bout my self. im pretty shame and sad, specially coz andy, he was pretty scare.
they performe an scan just to b sure but was just 3 valiums and not a bunch of pills how was every body thinking, like if i was trying to kill my self. wasnt like that.
ill spend the nit at the hospital but i go home 2morrow morning.

is all
 

JUSTIN IS BACK (by Andy)

JUSTIN IS BACK.
I TALKED TO HIM FOR A LITTLE BIT.
THE DOCS ARE PERFORMING A CT SCAN ON HIM NOW TO BE SURE HIS BRAIN IS OK.

THANKS ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS.

Andy